Caregiving, RN Applications, School, Doctors.

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

First of all, I am terrible at keeping up with my blog. So here is a series of events that have been going on with me (as the title indicates lots of random stuff).

So I have been attempting to get into a Registered Nursing program for 1 full year now. My prerequisites have been completed, I have graduated with an Associates (and working on Bachelors). The application process weaves through a series of criteria that can add up to a potential of 100 points. According to counselors, not many people score near 100. For example, they have accepted students with as low as 58 points, granted each semester is different and you are up against a whole new batch of hungry students. I have a total of 71 points, and I am hoping that it is enough.

Over the past summer (2016), I was busy taking a 6 week CNA course to better my chances for the nursing program. I completed with my certificate, and I landed a job within a couple of months of completing the course as a caregiver. I enjoy what I do, I love helping people! I was pretty busy last Fall semester working full time and getting ready to transfer to CSU Fresno, all the while prepping for a Nursing Program entrance exam.

Fall semester came to an end and I had to quickly study for the TEAS exam before submitting my RN application by (today actually). I was not mentally ready. I was burned out from taking 12 units and working full time. I had to travel to CSU Northridge near LA to take the exam and passed with a 79.3% which is Advanced and a competitive score for my program.

Fast forward to today, the deadline of the RN application for my school and I submitted it nervously. The assistant dean asked how many points I had and when I told her 71, she looked shocked. I don’t know but I am hoping that was a good thing. Now the waiting game! I’ll find out in April if I made the cut.

In the mean time, I am working with my doctor to get my health in order. He suggested weight loss surgery and I am ready to get this done before I start the Nursing Program. I’m ready for a totally new, healthier me.

 

CNA Clinicals (day 2)

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

Yesterday counted for my second day of clinical in the CNA program. I’ve had much education even beyond this CNA class, but I don’t think anything can really prepare you for the real life experience.

Luckily for me, I’ve helped take care of my sick mother and I have had to do many things I didn’t imagine doing such as toileting, cleaning after toileting, or cleaning after incontinence just to name a couple. I am grateful for those experiences and for that, I didn’t have to go into my clinical blindly.

Although it’s only been 2 days, I am in love! I know, I am going to have some difficult days and I’ll be alone when I am actually working as a CNA but I quickly fell in love with the Resident-CNA contact, I am a people person and I love that I get to interact with the residents!

CNA’s do the tedious, and sometimes (or most of the time) the dirty work. We are in contact with the Residents or Patients more than anyone else sometimes. My first days of clinical were an amazing experience. I got to hold the hand of the elderly who were confused, I got to hold the hand and console a new admitted resident, who you can imagine is going through quite a huge change.

Our jobs are to make these residents and patients as comfortable as we can while maintaining their dignity. This is a big responsibility, but I am up for the challenge. I see my mother or my grandmother every time I look at these residents and my heart fills with love and compassion for these wonderful people. We have to remember that they are going through huge changes and they are no longer able to do the independent things that they were once used to.

My first two days consisted of toileting, clean up after toileting, re-positioning residents who are not able to move on their own, dressing residents with an affected side, feed lunch to a wonderful lady whom I was able to make laugh, and so much more.

It is hard work, and it takes a special person. I am a Nursing Major and continuing my education, I am hoping to enter an RN program by next Spring and I have told myself, if I did not like my CNA experience, I’d have to really re-evaluate my educational decisions. I am pleased to say that I am in love with my CNA experience so far. There will be hard days, and there will be easy days but we must maintain a positive connection with our teams and continue to work hard for these residents or patients, they need us and sometimes we are all they have.

Obesity and it’s realities.

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

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Today all reality set in with a visit to the doctor, a visit I couldn’t avoid. I had to do a physical for a class I am taking. I will be working with patients in different hospital settings and I needed this done. Little did I know it would turn into a three day long checkup. I have to go back for the next two days to follow up on some tests, but today, all in all, was a very sad day for me.

A message I sent to my boyfriend this afternoon after my physical examination:

I just came back from my physical, and it’s going to be like a three day event because they are running all these other tests on me. I got meds for my allergies and sinus infection. I just wish I had someone with me in the room, I was hit with some bad news but it was what I suspected all along and did not want to face. My cholesterol is way too high, like 250+ when it should be in the 100s. It’s over double of what it should be. My sugar is through the roof when I was tested and I didn’t even eat today yet. I was diagnosed as diabetic, and my physician said I pretty much have to do this surgery if I want to lose it all. I can’t do it on my own. I sat there and cried for a minute because reality finally set in, and I finally faced my worst fear. I go back tomorrow, and Friday for more tests. He wants me to talk to him about the surgery when I am ready. I am going to tell him to get everything started asap that I have been ready for a long time. I will have to lose some weight on my own and although I knew I shouldn’t be eating this crap, I now have a number in my head that defines my cholesterol and my obesity, so I am afraid to eat anything fattening. My life right now is going through a new chapter I guess. Reality is, I need to get serious about my weight or I am going to die. I don’t want to be sick and dying when I am barely getting ready for my career. I just let out a cry in the office and on the way home but it was the push I needed to get serious about this, about my life and my health. I am tired of being fat and now I have health issues because of it. My vaccines are not covered with my insurance so it’s another 300 dollars that I’ll have to pay and I just don’t have that kind of money so I am going to call around if there is anything I can do, but the price he gave me is what they pay, so I am getting the vaccines at cost. Which means I will have a hard time finding them cheaper elsewhere. I am going to see if I can just get a refund and drop out of the program. I have had enough bad news for one day. I probably won’t go to the orientation tomorrow. I am not going to get depressed over this, I feel like my health needs to come first right now.

Dreaming: Last night’s vision

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

I dreamed of an ex boyfriend last night.

No, he hasn’t been on my mind but it was normal for me to dream of him when we were together. I would dream mostly of him cheating on me or just losing complete interest.

In the dream, we were talking like long time friends and as if we never lost contact. We still had feelings for eachother and he was setting off to go to the military. I was on his Facebook page and found a picture of a dinner plate, and in decorative writing, it said, “Love you,” followed by a weird addition problem that looked similar to this: 10+15+30.

There was someone tagged in the photo so I clicked the name and it lead me to a woman’s page. She was slender, not at all curvy, light skinned with dark hair. I scrolled to find a post of hers that read, “Baby knows how to put it down,” followed by a pornographic picture. I right away knew she was referring to my ex. The original picture I saw was a dinner plate from their celebration dinner, it was an anniversary or birthday.

My heart started racing as I got jealous and anxious to find out more. I confronted my ex-boyfriend and asked why he’d lied about his relationship. He simply tells me, “Look Antanette, MLK and Obama didn’t become great men by telling the truth.”  He went on telling me all the things she was and sent me a long list of things he loved about her (the things I wasn’t). I mean this list was long, and it was so detailed.

I woke up feeling such anxiety and my heart was racing. I felt every emotion from my dream as I was waking. I do not have any feelings nor was I thinking about him for this to even occur. I woke up confused for a minute. I have never been able to read in my dreams nor do I remember doing anything of the sort so when I read his long list of traits she had, I can remember every single one.

She cooks, eats organic foods, she doesn’t eat processed foods, they always cook together, she is on base for another 3 years, she loves the same movies as him, she dresses sexy… I mean the list just went on and on.

Weird. dream-quotes

Being in a relationship that doesn’t suck.

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

I don’t know about you, but in all 28 years of my life, I’ve dated complete loser douchebags. Girls, are you with me on this? I know, some of you have been there and if you haven’t, I am completely jealous.

When it comes to dating, I would have done things alot differently but of course I see things as lessons learned and experience gained. I think would tell my 17 year old self that:

1. The first guy that shows interest is just the first of many. Just because you’re a chubby lumpkins, doesn’t mean there isn’t someone awesome out there for you! Guys will love you for YOU and your LUMPS!

2. Just because you’re a virgin, you don’t have to rush to lose it. There is such a thing as waiting for the right guy that deserves it. Men will deceive to get what they want and until he shows respect for you and your body, don’t give in.

3. Don’t try with someone who isn’t trying. If you’re in a relationship that is sucking balls, seriously move on. Be aware, if he isn’t trying, it doesn’t mean you have to try harder for the both of you. It means he doesn’t care.

…and 4. You don’t have to kiss a bunch of frogs to get to him. Patience is virtue, and I wish I had more of it. Being single is kickass. Make sure you take some time for yourself. Get to know your wants and needs, take time to figure that stuff out. Once you have your crap figured out, it will make your next relationship worthwhile. You won’t be wasting eachother’s time trying to figure out if it’s something you really want because you figured that shit out years ago. If he’s not what you want, you’ll know right away.

You don’t have to date the loser, make sure you get to know him before taking that step. I dated this guy who was such a sweet heart at first. Of course I had pretty low self esteem, I’ve always been a big girl so I’ve always thought (and was told) that no guy wanted me. When I started getting more attention after high school, I jumped all over it. My first long term relationship was such a joke, he was deceitful and I am pretty sure he had a mental disorder.

I was 21, he was 22 and we fell for each other. I noticed he had a problem with alcohol so when he ordered a beer on one of our dates, I asked him nicely not to drink. He made a huge deal about it to the point where it was drawing attention. I got up and just left. My heart and intuition already told me I was in danger. By the way, if you ever get that feeling you are in danger, LISTEN.

So anyway, as I got up to  leave quietly he runs after me and is pulling on me, crying like a 5 year old. Pulling on me as if I was his mother and just told him he couldn’t get the toy. It was bad, it was embarrassing. To top it off, we had a pretty long walk back to my car so it was pretty dreadful as people looked on. I ran to my car and got in, locked him out. Now, before you go on thinking that this was a little dramatic, I think to feel your heart beating out of your chest and feeling that “fight or flight” rage through your body, you would better understand. I would have been fine with taking him home but that whole scene he just displayed during our walk back to the car had me even more worried for myself.

I was reaching in my pockets for my cell phone and great, it was dead. Couldn’t call anyone for help but did I really want to involve anyone at this point? So I just continued to put my keys in the ignition to drive away. All I was thinking about was leaving him behind to fend for himself and find his own ride. I had a car in front of me, so I had one way out and that was to put my car in reverse.

At this point he was slamming his hands on my car, screaming and crying like a toddler to let him in. I was getting a little more scared, heart still pounding. Was he going to punch my windows in? I wouldn’t have put it past him. I put my car in reverse and he lays on the ground behind my car. I couldn’t go anywhere! I rolled my window down a crack and yelled for him to move but I was not going to set foot outside of my car. He wasn’t budging and I am sure he didn’t care if I even ran him over. God, thinking back on this horrific night, I really wish I did.

At this point, I can’t go anywhere, he’s not moving for anything. I jump out of my car and lock it up as fast as I can before he can hop in…and I start walking towards the nearby grocery store. To be honest, I don’t even know where he went, I think he was more concerned about waiting by my car because he was out of sight for a minute. Once I get to the store I talk with the manager who can hear in my voice how scared I was. [By the way, this stuff never happens to me, nor do I do the drama so on top of me being scared, I was extremely embarrassed to even bring someone into this.]

The manager to this store was amazing. He said, “Look, I am going to walk you to your car and he isn’t going to do anything to you, not if I can help it.” He walked out with me and sure enough, the psycho ex boyfriend runs up to us out of nowhere! With no shoes! I’m like what the hell?! He’s got these bulgy crazy eyes going on and tells the store manager off, that he’s going to kick his ass, this and that and even got in his face! Oh gosh I felt horrified and embarrassed but he finally fled while I was escorted to my car.

I thanked him for his kindness and drove away…I didn’t want to look back but unfortunately that relationship lasted 3 years after that incident. Worst thing to ever happen to me. It was just 3 years full of good sex, abuse, drugs, alcohol, fights and more abuse (verbally and physically). I never used drugs, but I later found out he had a meth addiction as well.

I know this blog post is a lot longer than I anticipated but if you are still reading, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I was single for awhile, dated an old ex from my teenage years and then single again up until last summer after meeting an amazing guy.

Dating has its ups and downs and if I wasn’t so low about myself, I probably wouldn’t have endured that horrible relationship as long as I did. No excuse for my stupidity and I’ll be happy to get into other experiences with another blog post.

What I meant to be a rave about my current love, I ended up ranting about a past one. . .

To be honest, I am going to have to dedicate a whole different post to him, there are just so many words that describe him and us 🙂

To be continued.

First week of Fall Semester 2014, discouragements, concerns, failures

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

Wow, one week down. Already? It flew by with the quickness, and I feel like this Fall is going to be good, bad, quick, busy, all of the above. It is great getting back into school but there were some concerns I had.

First, I wasn’t feeling school this semester and I was scared that would really affect my studies. When you’re not in it whole-heartedly, it can take a toll for the worst sometimes. My plan this semester was to take Human Physiology and Microbiology (both my only prerequisites I have left for Nursing) but the bad news is, I didn’t get into a Micro class. That pushes me back a semester and I won’t be able to apply for the Registered Nursing Program until next summer now. Woop dee woop, I guess it puts a damper on things. I felt like a failure for some reason, and I was bummed that it would push my plans back one whole semester.

Enough crying about it, I have a full schedule to keep me busy with some Transfer Units I need to finish up for my BSN.  I am getting a little wary, a little tired of Community College and just ready to move on to bigger and better things so it has been a little mixture of things here and there that had me a little discouraged.

I’ve been having a few dreams lately about Nursing, some where I am already a Nursing Student, and others where I am getting ready for my first day of the Nursing Program. I guess I want this badly enough that I am dreaming about it. I feel like this is my calling, and this is what I am meant to do. Make differences in people’s lives!! I have to realize that I am closer to my goals than I realize, I need to suck it up, and ride out the wave. This is what I am supposed to be doing, everything will fall into place.

-A

Writer’s thought

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

I love and hate when I have a vision of how my short story will go but once I get to a certain point….I realize, “…well, this can go the way I planned, or I can totally NOT do that and it can go THIS way…” -Problem with that is the new plot is taking longer than I had planned, but that is just a tiny problem that can be overlooked. The part I love, is that I am able to do that in the first place. It’s a moment where, as a writer, you are at a crossroad. That moment you’re faced with the realization that this can go SO many ways, is when you enjoy writing the most.

Tidal Waves.

Posted on by cosmoxdoll

The tide comes in and pulls at my feet. For a moment I feel like I am being dragged out to sea as the water quickly surrounds my ankles, pulling the sand back in with it. Its a quick feeling of insecurity. Insecure of where I stand, because for that moment the world behind me seems further away and the water feels almost powerful enough to drag my entire body. 

The fresh breeze hits the back of my neck and I feel like there is nothing around that will even notice my very tiny existence. I am one of many out here, and I am but a stranger to the world. Will this feeling ever subside? This moment is what entraps my entire being, what is clarity. 

Before I begin to evaluate my lone state, I realize that at this very moment, it is the best state to be in.